Vegan Cake from now on!

Baby Ai has allergy and now I have to make some changes to my diet. Good thing about this place I am staying is the fact that there are many Mat Sallehs around, so the supermarket seem to cater for them a lot. Loads of imported stuff from Oz or UK and that also means they cater for those who are vegan and gluten intolerant as well. So, it's all about reading the labels for me now!

I had such craving for cakes that i admit, i did steal a bite of Em's carrot cake we bought from Coffee Bean and felt so guilty for darling Ai later. So when Joe came back that evening from work I handed Ai to him and told him I gotta go and find something that is edible for me which wouldn't harm Ai. So I went, reading labels at the aisles slowing down, taking my time. And was i excited to find a box of gluten, wheat, egg and nut free instant chocolate cake mix! i did not not have a mixer at home but i didn't care! I would mix with my own bare hands if I had to!

And that night, i managed to satisfy my cravings though i didn't think the cake turn out well, as, on top of  not using electric mixer, I also did not have a kitchen weighing scale to measure 15 g of olive spread. Belasah!

Hm...I guess i need to address the issue of my cravings for sweet things fast!

I shall upload the pathetic looking-but satisfying cake later!

Mundane updates!

This little town yang I bermastautin now takdelah besar mana. A little bit like Kota Bharu 20 years ago..haha. So since there's not much to do, Joe n I decided to join the local sorta Country Club. Actually, I pun malu nak sebut country club, kang bunyi nye gahhh sgt, posh sangat. But it was alrite, pretty decent. Got the usual, pools, kandang kuda etc. There would be ample of activities to keep little Em occupied. Sone  parts of the buildings have a 70s aura/ early 80s aura to it. But so are most buildings here. Not complaining, as at times it takes me back to the time when I was a kid.

So, yesterday, Joe n I bawak the kids to the club. As it was pretty late already, almost 6, and it was quite windy yesterday, I don't fancy Em to have a swim. Surprisingly, my suggestion was met with a nod and she said ok, I'll go to the playground, Mummy Human. That was odd. I thought she would scream murder and be throwing tantrums upon the suggestion to stay away from the pool. 

So Joe took the kids to the playground, and I went to the library. He he. Nerdy kan. Just nak checkout and since i am thinking of volunteering at the library, i might just see how things are. So in I went..hmm..they've got some pretty decent number of books, but not that variety of choices. They got DVD sections n was hoping to see classics like Breakfast at Tiffany's or something, but to no avail. I so wanted to get '10 things I love about you' - u noe, the one where The late Heath ledger was teramatlah hottienya tu., but i felt, mestilah nak kena create first impression yg best kan..afterall, since kununya nak volunteer kat sini..do I want them to know me as the lady who rent a teenage flick? na-ahh!

I borrowed Mansfield Park.

And a book about Queen Victoria.

Out of genuine interest ok..bukan sebab  nak feeling2 royal!

Dummies for Parents

Another negligence claimed the life of an innocent 3 year old. He was accidently left in the car by his dad, who went around completing errands, sempat minum2 lagi. I can't imagine his guilt. Having to live with that for the rest of ur life. It could even cause him his marriage. But yg tak I rasa sangat la tidak patutnya, all the comments that follow suit. Dah dalam FB kan, banyak lah keypad warrior nye. Most of them are youngsters, kalau ikut kata my friend yg vulgar sikit ni, kencing pun tak lurus lagi. But yeah, it's always easy to make judgment of the errors of others. It's not us who have to live with the sorrow, sadness, heartbreak of losing a child. As a mother, i rasa  the words sorrow and sadness tu pun tak boleh nak justify the amount of your pain.  Anak you tak ada depan you dah kot. Patah hati, sayu, pilu, hanya Allah yg Maha Tahu. And what's gonna make it worst, in your head, you would be playing, over and over again, your child's painful last hour before he dies. At moments like this, only janji Allah yg dia akan menguji kita dengan sedikit ketakutan, kehilangan anak dan harta  benda, that is the only thing that could perhaps keep you sane. Because other than that, how can all these make sense?

It is however, not a license that we, as parents could take things for granted. Mata kena everywhere bila ada anak ni. I tell you, berapa kali darah i menyirap tahap lemah lutut bila Em suddenly, elok2 setengah milisecond sebelum tu berrdiri sebelah I masa i sibuk melipat stroller Ai, and the next thing I know, she's standing behind a reversing car. Or, like what actually happened at a fren's condo, she was standing on a chair menjenguk over the verandah from the 8th floor. I froze in terror, and it was a my fren Jill's good reflexes ( being a mom herself) that prevented on what I would not even dare to imagine.
So sense of alertness mmg kena tahap gaban bila ada anak. With regards to the unfortunate parents,as much as  their judgment could be questioned, to me it is just an unfortunate incident that no parents would want to go through.
But how about dumb mistakes done by parents out of sheer stupidity rather than negligence?  i have witnessed Malaysian parents do far worse stupid things with their kids. Sapa tak penah tgk mak/bapak bawak keta with anak atas riba? Or let the child stand on the passenger seat while they
drive?
Itu kalau nak kutuk, silakan, because that deserves  dumb parents award of the century.
Have you ever thought what would happen if the car suddenly come to a jolt? That your precious innocent child would be crushed to death to the wheels? Or, in the case of standing child, would easily be thrown out of the car? You don't have to learn /understood the concept of inertia to get that simple fact. i am sure at least once in your  life you have had experience being a passenger in a car which suddenly brakes. Tu kita yg mass boleh tahan ni, imagine anak kecil.

Apparently, many  people do need "Common Sense for Dummies"  guidebooks. That is perhaps the tragedy of many Malaysian parents.

a Harrased Homemaker soon?

I should perhaps change the name of the blog as soon moving to Brunei and becoming a stay at home mom. Kinda excited with the prospect of running the household in complete sanity as opposed to now, running it with complete chaos . Making breakfast for Joe and the kids, then sending off little Em to her school while little Baby Ai is sound asleep in the stroller. Bliss!!

Knowing me, do expect nothing of that sort.

I have come to terms with the fact that I am hopeless in housekeeping, we had a house helper when I was growing up, infact we had several helpers as during that time house helpers were abundant. Local ladies, many from the rural areas were more than willing to work as house helpers (they are sometimes called maid, but I personally do not like the term). Leaving their kampungs to work in towns means bringing more income to the household, but to some, the prospect of working in offices or factories are downright challenging. Malaysia was pretty much an innocent nation back then. So, the best bet was to work as house helpers. Our Kak En stayed with us for 25 years, from the moment she was in her early 30s till a stroke attack at the age of 60 plus forced her to call it quit. 

So I told Joe, look for house helper if you still want a sane wife at the end of the day.

We're leaving Malaysia next month. There's a part of me that is feeling pretty sad. It's not that I have not left home before. I left for England when I was 18 and enjoyed myself tremendously for the 6 years that I was there. I know of Joe's sense of wanderlust. Infact, that was one the things that I found very attractive in him. His desire to go places. And I relish at the fact of raising my children in an environment that is different from their usual one. Even though it's Brunei. And I get to look after my kids, which is something I"ve always wanted to do.

Yet, I still feel sad that I'm leaving. My family. My mom would come and visit often, that I know. She can't bear to be away from her two little monsters for too long. Especially Em. Whom she favours more than her own children! It's not gonna be the same as seeing her every two weeks like right now. And my brothers. We live across each other currently and on some days, we annoy the living hell of each other, yet, they would come to my aid be it anytime of the day and I love them to bits and they know it.

I will miss our home. This intermediate terrace plonked in the middle of Shah Alam.  My neighbours are horrible people who like to park anywhere they please, so, yeah, not gonna miss them, but a home is still a home. We had our 1st child there, we had her birthdays, her milestones were marked in that little terrace house .  My dad's last few weeks were spent at my house, I entertained and looked after him in that house. We had our father-daughter' s chat there, in front of the telly. I hugged him there and told him he would live to see  Em graduates varsity. He laughed off and said 10 years is good enough. He didn't live for another ten years, but the memories I had with him there will forever be in my heart. As for it being our marital home,  we had our happy moments there, as much as it had witnessed Joe and I fighting over trivial things that  only married couples know. We perhaps had conceived both Em and Ai in that house. 2 out of the 3 toilets are broken and the walls have cracked- as most houses in Malaysia- and it has Em's drawing everywhere. The kitchen is crowded and the kitchen door is jammed,  Yet, it was ours.

I haven't packed a thing. Okay, so, yeah, that is more because of me who likes to procrastinate, but partly, as much as I wanna say "Helloo Brunei!" I also find it very hard to say "Goodbye, KL".

In a shitty Situation ..again..

Harassed teacher has to leave school early as had left  Child's diapers at home and sent child to nursery without extra diapers except for the one child is wearing when being sent today at 7 am . Child is now in the nursery perhaps being wrapped by some banana leaves/old newspaper or worst soaked with soiled unchanged diapers. Harassed teacher has no one to blame but only self as stayed up to watch Liverpool terrorising Chelsea the night before and woke up late today.

Home Sweet Home

 My love hate relationship with Kota Bharu begins as far as my first memory takes me.  A town that, in my younger eyes, offers me nothing (friends were mostly in KL and since most of my school holidays was spent in KL the huge difference between these two places were enormous) a town where everything is in slow paces and the hippest place where me and my teenage friends hang out was this supermarket called Hankyu Jaya. Supermarket...when did u last used that word?!
Ask any 90s teenagers of Kota Bharu, they'll speak of Hankyu in this reminiscing, nostalgic tone. We had Grandy's there back then, a very cool porridge outlet, I don't remember Mac D or anything like that and MIDORI, an ice cream parlour. Kinda reind me of Pop's from Archie.My first date was at this particulour eating outlet called "Rasanak" ( Rasa Nak). Can u imagine that? Make sense for an eatery, but way too humiliating for a  dating scene. The word Rasa Nak alone would take away any sense of romance and if you eventually marry the guy whom you dated at Rasa Nak (lucky for me I did not), that's not gonna be the story you want to tell the guests at your wedding. They would probably laugh, thinking that you're joking. Unless that's the effect that you want.
Anyway, back to my earlier point, It's love -hate for me because, often enough I compared Kota Bharu to KL and because of that I lost any sense of wonder that I have of that place. Plus, the Kelantanese, we are loud, and we speak in a language that can only understood by another fellow Kelantanese and known to be very cliquished. All those things,as  pointed by my non-kelantanese friends, caused me to want to detach myself more from Kelantan. I never denied that I was a Kelantanese but I never really allowed myself to think of Kelantan/Kota Bharu in that sort of way. To me it was just the town I grew up in.Other that that,  I don't have anything to do with it. Putting it bluntly, I can't really help where I grew up right?
Memories are funny aren't they? Things that u are not aware of would one day creep up slowly into your subconscious and there..it becomes one of your most significant memory. It's funny how certain time at mid afternoon (around 2ish) that specific time would alwiz bring me back to the afternoons I spent at my late grandparents house in Jalan Telipot KB. Or some breeze could touch my face as I watered the plants in my house's  compound in Selangor  and that, that very moment, that breeze, that moment, would just take me back to my childhood days in Kota Bharu.
Now, that KB becomes the town I 'visit' during holiday breaks, the town that awaits the arrival of me and my siblings come Hari Raya, and dutifully waved us away after a week, I sense myself craving, pining for its recognition of me as its 'people'. As I passed by the little old shops along its streets, memories of me with my late grandad, him holding my arm (a very funny way to hold someone's hand i thought, but here was a loving man who had trouble expressing his emotions) as we crossed the streets, as I drove pass some old eatery outlets my parents had brought me and my brother Bo to when there was only the two of us, or passing by the streets that are now being turned into a parking space for some hypermarket, I can't help feeling lost and yearning at the same time. My years of displacement that I brought onto myself have turned its table. It wasn't only memories that causing me to get all nostalgic.They don't get called roots for nothing. Hometowns are like mom's cooking or parents' old big  bed. They give you comfort no matter what life throws at you.
Yes, we can't help where we grew up, I'm sorry KB that it took this long for this cik mek to come home.

If only death knocks before it makes its grand entrance...

Today, a collegue's world collapsed. Her husband, involved in an accident about 3 weeks ago, succumbed to the injuries and left her with three kids to look after, to continue living, to pick up the pieces.
Suddenly I found myself crying, sobbing and my heart went out to her. I don't know Anna that well but we had been thrown in the same committee to run a school function's about 2 years ago and would say Hi everytime we passed by the corridor. I sobbed for the three fatherless children, I sobbed for a friend whom at the age of 35 lost a husband, a friend, a lover. Most of it, I sobbed for myself. I sobbed for the uncertainties that life holds. I sobbed for the fear that I too could be her, as death is the only certainty we have. That I too, could lose my husband, that all of a sudden I could be a widow. Life is that fragile. And all the anger, the little things that bug you about your spouse, that he never takes out the thrash unless you ask him to, that he never bothers to hang the towel after using it, that he never really understands why flowers are a big deal to you, that when he eats, he makes that small annoying noise and that he could never sit through a movie with you because he would fall asleep half way through, all those things would not matter anymore. All that you want is for him to be here, next to you, till your eternity, praying that that eternity would stretches way into the unseen future. Growing old together, annoying each other ways that only people who have known each other for more than 50 years can know how.
Sadly, for some of us, the journey ends earlier and one party is left to lick the wound that perhaps would never heal. Every love story has a sad ending, and today, a friend discovered hers.