Hatiku melekat di Kuala Lumpur !

Surprisingly, i think I'm falling in love with this place. Haah. never thought i would say that, i still do miss KL of course..tanah tumpah darah whattt...hahaha..no, partly it's  because KL is home, it's familiar, it's where my family is, where my dad is rested, where friends are just a phonecall and a cup of coffee away. It's home.
And Brunei is starting to be home.

And Sometimes, Love Just Ain't Enough.

He was once the man of your dreams that you just can't  stop thinking about.

He was mine.

I wanted to marry him in July, July 29th to be exact, just because I love the number, and I love him! My summer wedding to my forever love!


I used to steal a glance across the crowded hall, just to know that he is there, though he might never notice my presence.

I was the girl no one notices.

But I didn't care. I only wanted him to notice!

And one day he did. I remember looking up from the mundane task I was doing in the trip that we participated in and our eyes met. My heart stopped. Many times before, from our previous encounters, my heart just beat so fast I swear I was going to die from palpitations. The painful part would perhaps be the fact that he would never have guessed. I could be suffering a stroke here ( or whatever happens to you when your heart pumps too much blood?) , right in the middle of this coridoor, and he would never have guessed. He would perhaps think that agh another one who misses her breakfast! But this time, right at this moment in time, as I looked up from the kettle of some tea I had to make, and saw him looking at me with that look on his face, I knew it, there is that part of him that notices my presence. It could just be a tiny speck, but it gives me a whole hoover of hope.

So we took the chance of our whirlwind romance, i know i might get flung, thrown into the air, and crash to the ground.

broken.

But he has made me whole, being broken would just perhaps be physical. My heart is whole. I had him, I had his heart, the world could crumble, yet it would still be paradise in my eyes!

Ah..the foolish of youth!!

I didn't know then that the scar that i get from the wounds of a broken heart would be eternal. That it would not only be a matter of getting up and dusting down myself. If only it was that easy. What i didn't know was that how that rendezvous would be the measuring stick of my future happiness. Regardless of what happened between me and him, how messed up we were after every fights, how weary,  I would look back onto these happy years, often wondered, could I ever be that happy again? The paradise that I lost, we lost.


I dooddled his name to mine, His and mine, imagining the countless hari raya cards we would be sending to friends, along with our children's names. Sulaiman, Serena Maryam and Imran. Our three kids that we got within 8 years of our marriage. Sulaiman would have his eyes, oh basically his everything, Serena Maryam would just be little me ( I am a bit full of myself) , and Imran would be the perfect combo of our genes!

We would be happy. Why wouldn't we? Isn't love enough?


Sometimes, on the nights that I lay in bed restless, like tonight, I never ceased to wonder that.

Isn't love enough?


P/S: Good for an intro for a short story?

Because I deserve Grace as my middle name!

Yesterday, I decided to be a bigger person and let go of my anger.

For the past 2 years,  I've been habouring this anger towards these group of people whom I happened to be related to. It might not be a big deal to them, of what they are doing to me, but it's a huge deal to me. Because to me a family should go beyond "just because we're related" either by blood or marriage.

Ostracising people, keeping them out of your life though you might be unfortunate enough to be related to them either by clan or law, is unacceptable to me. How else do you foster good relationship or family bond if you are just going to be very cliquish ? Seriously, sangat high school punya perangai, though those who are involved are perhaps nearing menopause.

The truth is, your maturity is not defined by your age nor academic achievement.

Yes, am rambling. Sebab sangat tak puashati. But yesterday, i just decided, what the heck. I bought a few extra things when I went for a holiday last month and though at first I thought, why must I be generous with a group of people that does not deserved my kindness (i read a few bitchy things they said about me and some we even making some insensitive remarks about my dad on the day of his passing) Memang WTH la...

 But then again, I thought about maybe, and I am pretty sure about this, I have, in the past hurt them too with my actions, either I meant to or not. I might have been careless with their feelings, and have, in the innocence of my youth and excitement of things have perhaps, put myself first and foremost.

That, and also because, I'm just too tired to be bothered about petty things. If they think that bonding with me is not something that they feel vital in order to create a family harmony then, just let time does it job. I can't force people to like me or involved me in their tight-knit circle. I try not to take it personally, i try. Because maybe they do not mean it personally, though when I found out there were
2 people who specifically wanted to not include me, I was pretty hurt. Despite trying to remain very casual about it,  sometimes, I still do wonder why and start to think the worst of me and then, them.

But, at the end of the day, you go, hidup ini singkat, nama kau Dollah, tak nak kawan, sudah!



Inhale, pin-up my hair and sip my coffee!