Hatiku melekat di Kuala Lumpur !

Surprisingly, i think I'm falling in love with this place. Haah. never thought i would say that, i still do miss KL of course..tanah tumpah darah whattt...hahaha..no, partly it's  because KL is home, it's familiar, it's where my family is, where my dad is rested, where friends are just a phonecall and a cup of coffee away. It's home.
And Brunei is starting to be home.

And Sometimes, Love Just Ain't Enough.

He was once the man of your dreams that you just can't  stop thinking about.

He was mine.

I wanted to marry him in July, July 29th to be exact, just because I love the number, and I love him! My summer wedding to my forever love!


I used to steal a glance across the crowded hall, just to know that he is there, though he might never notice my presence.

I was the girl no one notices.

But I didn't care. I only wanted him to notice!

And one day he did. I remember looking up from the mundane task I was doing in the trip that we participated in and our eyes met. My heart stopped. Many times before, from our previous encounters, my heart just beat so fast I swear I was going to die from palpitations. The painful part would perhaps be the fact that he would never have guessed. I could be suffering a stroke here ( or whatever happens to you when your heart pumps too much blood?) , right in the middle of this coridoor, and he would never have guessed. He would perhaps think that agh another one who misses her breakfast! But this time, right at this moment in time, as I looked up from the kettle of some tea I had to make, and saw him looking at me with that look on his face, I knew it, there is that part of him that notices my presence. It could just be a tiny speck, but it gives me a whole hoover of hope.

So we took the chance of our whirlwind romance, i know i might get flung, thrown into the air, and crash to the ground.

broken.

But he has made me whole, being broken would just perhaps be physical. My heart is whole. I had him, I had his heart, the world could crumble, yet it would still be paradise in my eyes!

Ah..the foolish of youth!!

I didn't know then that the scar that i get from the wounds of a broken heart would be eternal. That it would not only be a matter of getting up and dusting down myself. If only it was that easy. What i didn't know was that how that rendezvous would be the measuring stick of my future happiness. Regardless of what happened between me and him, how messed up we were after every fights, how weary,  I would look back onto these happy years, often wondered, could I ever be that happy again? The paradise that I lost, we lost.


I dooddled his name to mine, His and mine, imagining the countless hari raya cards we would be sending to friends, along with our children's names. Sulaiman, Serena Maryam and Imran. Our three kids that we got within 8 years of our marriage. Sulaiman would have his eyes, oh basically his everything, Serena Maryam would just be little me ( I am a bit full of myself) , and Imran would be the perfect combo of our genes!

We would be happy. Why wouldn't we? Isn't love enough?


Sometimes, on the nights that I lay in bed restless, like tonight, I never ceased to wonder that.

Isn't love enough?


P/S: Good for an intro for a short story?

Because I deserve Grace as my middle name!

Yesterday, I decided to be a bigger person and let go of my anger.

For the past 2 years,  I've been habouring this anger towards these group of people whom I happened to be related to. It might not be a big deal to them, of what they are doing to me, but it's a huge deal to me. Because to me a family should go beyond "just because we're related" either by blood or marriage.

Ostracising people, keeping them out of your life though you might be unfortunate enough to be related to them either by clan or law, is unacceptable to me. How else do you foster good relationship or family bond if you are just going to be very cliquish ? Seriously, sangat high school punya perangai, though those who are involved are perhaps nearing menopause.

The truth is, your maturity is not defined by your age nor academic achievement.

Yes, am rambling. Sebab sangat tak puashati. But yesterday, i just decided, what the heck. I bought a few extra things when I went for a holiday last month and though at first I thought, why must I be generous with a group of people that does not deserved my kindness (i read a few bitchy things they said about me and some we even making some insensitive remarks about my dad on the day of his passing) Memang WTH la...

 But then again, I thought about maybe, and I am pretty sure about this, I have, in the past hurt them too with my actions, either I meant to or not. I might have been careless with their feelings, and have, in the innocence of my youth and excitement of things have perhaps, put myself first and foremost.

That, and also because, I'm just too tired to be bothered about petty things. If they think that bonding with me is not something that they feel vital in order to create a family harmony then, just let time does it job. I can't force people to like me or involved me in their tight-knit circle. I try not to take it personally, i try. Because maybe they do not mean it personally, though when I found out there were
2 people who specifically wanted to not include me, I was pretty hurt. Despite trying to remain very casual about it,  sometimes, I still do wonder why and start to think the worst of me and then, them.

But, at the end of the day, you go, hidup ini singkat, nama kau Dollah, tak nak kawan, sudah!



Inhale, pin-up my hair and sip my coffee!

Yes, I whine!

It becomes a burden when your heart is no longer into it. Sigh. I love my job, I love my workplace, I just don't love the pay!!!! Yeah, I know some may say teachers are supposed to be candles, burning themselves for the sake of others. Who authorised that btw? Some guy who wants to make teachers feel better (er...I don't) or some guy who wants to shut teachers up for whining about pay, thus creating a pseudo belief that we are supposed to sacrifice ourselves, our needs and fancies so that others can bloom, flourish, grow, fly, soar...

Would the sacrifices we make be all worth it? All those stay backs in school  so that the jerk who doze off in your class can be personally tutored by you all over again? All those time your kids are left in the care of some bibik from 7 am to 6 pm everyday , so that you can make a person of someone else's children? Praying at the same time that bibik doesn't try to feed your child cooked cat's brain  juz because you refuse to raise her pay to the ridiculous RM 800, and because you reprimand her for watching too much sinetron?

It's sometimes not worth it coz parents can also make your life hell. They give their kids all sorts of crap advice and pampered them too much, and worship the ground they walk on just because they do so well in exams.

It is also sometimes not worth it coz you do get some rude, ungrateful bunch who can only know how to complain.

The Musings of a Culinary Challenged Mom

It's been almost a year. Me being a homemaker. My husband and children has endured my horrible culinary skills, horrendous housekeeping and at the same time putting up with me being monstrous and ghoulish at times. Sigh...my aim is to be a calm n composed mom...how la! Anyway, I've. decided to keep a blog to see how far i have come especially in the cooking area. My mom never trusted me in the kitchen and I don't blame her for it. My attempts to cook anything as decent as masak kicap always end up in a disaster and the dustbin. Yes, I am that stoopid. 

In my first few months becoming a SAHM, hence having to cook consistently for the family always end up with me being frustrated and angry for being so stupid. The taste is inconsistent, one day it's alright, the next day it's blerghhhh! Not to mention the many food I've wasted due to excessive buying and only using it once. 

Now, though I am still pretty much dumb in the kitchen, but there have been a few food that I managed to 'master' and it could come out pretty decent. My masak pedas. And the secret is? To blend the shallots and garlic and ginger together with the small dried shrimps  known as udang kering. And maybe a bit of galangal. You see, the thing is I think my mom had told me once that was how she does her masak pedas/sambal but I guess I did not pay attention  enough to remember that method when I do my cooking. And the thing about cooking is that you have to keep doing it, to learn from it. Mistakes are there for you to learn from, though there are days you feel that how could someone with tastebud could even get this wrong? And how could you correct on that mistake if your attempt for the recipe take the span of months in between? Last time,  when I was working and juggling motherhood and wifehood at the same time I only cook for like once or twice a month. Bad eh? I know. Looking back, I find it unbelievable that I did not try harder to provide my family and myself some decent,  safe and healthy food. Joe is the type yang tak kisah. No time to cook? We eat out. Bad bad bad. Had I married a man yang "ohhhh I mesti makan kat rumah" I would have perhaps put Nigella Lawson to shame I 'm sure, or..er...ended up divorced. 

Nevertheless, I am still faraway from being a decent cook. I still have my stoopid kitchen days, where everything just go horribly wrong and you just feel like throwing the pots and pans out of the window. But at least now, my baby steps are sometimes rewarded with "oh...ok next time perhaps kalau I buat macam ni...I need to put extra basil..."for example. The directions is a lot clearer. And Em makes less faces now when she is made to sit and eat her meals.

Today i'm making Thai green chicken. let's see how that'll turn out!

Vegan Cake from now on!

Baby Ai has allergy and now I have to make some changes to my diet. Good thing about this place I am staying is the fact that there are many Mat Sallehs around, so the supermarket seem to cater for them a lot. Loads of imported stuff from Oz or UK and that also means they cater for those who are vegan and gluten intolerant as well. So, it's all about reading the labels for me now!

I had such craving for cakes that i admit, i did steal a bite of Em's carrot cake we bought from Coffee Bean and felt so guilty for darling Ai later. So when Joe came back that evening from work I handed Ai to him and told him I gotta go and find something that is edible for me which wouldn't harm Ai. So I went, reading labels at the aisles slowing down, taking my time. And was i excited to find a box of gluten, wheat, egg and nut free instant chocolate cake mix! i did not not have a mixer at home but i didn't care! I would mix with my own bare hands if I had to!

And that night, i managed to satisfy my cravings though i didn't think the cake turn out well, as, on top of  not using electric mixer, I also did not have a kitchen weighing scale to measure 15 g of olive spread. Belasah!

Hm...I guess i need to address the issue of my cravings for sweet things fast!

I shall upload the pathetic looking-but satisfying cake later!

Mundane updates!

This little town yang I bermastautin now takdelah besar mana. A little bit like Kota Bharu 20 years ago..haha. So since there's not much to do, Joe n I decided to join the local sorta Country Club. Actually, I pun malu nak sebut country club, kang bunyi nye gahhh sgt, posh sangat. But it was alrite, pretty decent. Got the usual, pools, kandang kuda etc. There would be ample of activities to keep little Em occupied. Sone  parts of the buildings have a 70s aura/ early 80s aura to it. But so are most buildings here. Not complaining, as at times it takes me back to the time when I was a kid.

So, yesterday, Joe n I bawak the kids to the club. As it was pretty late already, almost 6, and it was quite windy yesterday, I don't fancy Em to have a swim. Surprisingly, my suggestion was met with a nod and she said ok, I'll go to the playground, Mummy Human. That was odd. I thought she would scream murder and be throwing tantrums upon the suggestion to stay away from the pool. 

So Joe took the kids to the playground, and I went to the library. He he. Nerdy kan. Just nak checkout and since i am thinking of volunteering at the library, i might just see how things are. So in I went..hmm..they've got some pretty decent number of books, but not that variety of choices. They got DVD sections n was hoping to see classics like Breakfast at Tiffany's or something, but to no avail. I so wanted to get '10 things I love about you' - u noe, the one where The late Heath ledger was teramatlah hottienya tu., but i felt, mestilah nak kena create first impression yg best kan..afterall, since kununya nak volunteer kat sini..do I want them to know me as the lady who rent a teenage flick? na-ahh!

I borrowed Mansfield Park.

And a book about Queen Victoria.

Out of genuine interest ok..bukan sebab  nak feeling2 royal!